To deal with a toxic friend, first recognise the pattern, then set clear boundaries, stop over-explaining, and, if nothing changes, reduce or cut contact. You don’t have to fight them; you only have to stop letting them drain your energy. Below are 9 ways to do that, from gentle to firm.
From Victoria: This is something I am working through right now in my relationship with a close family member. I have blocked them for the time being while I untangle co-dependence and the pull to keep going back. The wisdom I teach in the I Matter Alignment masterclass gave me the strength to take this step. If you try it with a friend, find someone who will back you up during difficult moments and believe in your strength. True, supportive friends make it much easier to step away from toxic ones.
I will be writing about disarming toxic friends, not destroying them, because destruction is against the creation of a happy, holistic life. We create and build with a positive mindset.
However, it does not mean turning the other cheek to the person who destroys your life. You’d rather, based on your wisdom, know how to protect and be assertive, and in some cases, cut off toxic friends.
Who Is a Toxic Friend
I am writing about both true friends and casual acquaintances. It can be any person who acts as an energetic vampire or destroys your peace of mind, either directly or in a subtle way.
Sometimes it is hard to recognise toxic friends as they act in disguise, dissembling their feelings and behaviour.
However, I have identified specific traits of toxic friends, which I list below. These traits will be grouped into some categories for easier reading.
How To Recognise Toxic Friends
Some useful clues indicate when someone is a toxic friend. You can notice these clues in their behaviour, communication and the way you react to being around this person.
Behaviour
Calling only when they want.
Being aggressively competitive.
Your relationship with these people is built on their terms.
Using your secrets against you.
Having a malignant influence on you, i.e. encouraging you to do evil things.
Trying to change you.
Communication
The conversation with toxic friends is not equal (e.g. you are dominated by their monologue).
Humiliating you in front of other people.
Bitching about you behind your back.
Bitching about others in your presence.
Your Reactions
You feel bad about yourself, spending time with toxic friends.
Not being able to count on them in times of need.
You feel isolated from the circle of your friends.
You are giving more than you are getting.
I can no longer trust them.
Other Subtle Symptoms
They bring drama to your life.
You feel exhausted after contact with them.
Toxic friends induce negative thoughts and emotions, weakening your aura.
They increase your stress.
Toxic friends destroy your self-confidence and self-esteem
Exercise
Take your diary or journal for personal work. List six people with whom you spend most of your time. It can be a close friend, neighbour, boss or family member. Then check each of these individuals. Have the traits listed above? If they have any of them, the time has come to act.
How To Disarm Toxic Friends
There are many articles where you can find some tips on coping with toxic friends. Not all of them are holistic, though. Hence, I have prepared 9 ways that you can use instantly, one or more at a time.
1. Acknowledge That They Are Toxic
After having done the exercise described above, you can notice one thing: there is at least one individual who might have a toxic influence on you.
Do not stop there, though. Toxic friends may be critics, complainers, control freaks, or those who engage in backbiting.
Any of your friends who are using verbal abuse (like ridiculing or name-calling you) do not deserve to be your friend.
If you feel disempowered in any way, on the physical, mental, and spiritual level, you are facing a toxic relationship.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries to Disarm Toxic Friends
Now that you know the type of toxic person your friend or acquaintance is, it’s time to set your boundaries. Here are some questions which will help you:
- How much space do you need in the relationship?
- What is the give-take balance?
- Have you heard, and are your needs acknowledged by your friend?
How do you both treat the differences (e.g., different tastes in music, attitude to life?
These are just a few examples of healthy boundaries. Define which of your boundaries have been crossed by your friend. Then have a serious talk with him or her. Assert that they should treat you with respect. If it doesn’t work, it’s time to move on.
Eliminating toxic traits in an individual is rarely an easy task. Initially, toxic friends may not respect your new boundaries, and they may not do so later either. But take some time.
To instil new rules in your friends’ minds, persistence is essential. You need to communicate your boundaries repeatedly, and your so-called friends will either accept them over time or move away; alternatively, you may have to cut them off.
However, bear in mind that your toxic friends have the free will to change their behaviour or not. If they remain stubborn, follow the next steps described in this article.
3. Never Feel Like You Owe Them a Huge Explanation
Express your feelings, which is a subject not open to debate. You can also keep it simple: communicate with them calmly and kindly; you no longer want or tolerate any toxic people in your life.
Leave it at that. It is up to you how much or how little you tell them. Every relationship requires a different approach, i.e., your close friends and acquaintances at work.
You can also give them a last chance. Beware, though, that it may cause you stress, or they may improve for a while, hoping that you will change your new rules.
4. Disarm Toxic Friends by Public Conversation
Toxic people can become belligerent or even violent. Talking to them in public can significantly diminish the chances of this happening. If you run into problems, you can just leave or ask other people for help, in case they treat you with physical violence.
However, do not talk to toxic friends in the presence of other people who may humiliate you. For example, never use a family dinner or a work meeting for this purpose.
5. Disarm Toxic Friends by Cutting Them Off on Social Media
Technology makes distancing more difficult. Therefore, never leave any window open for someone to bully or cajole you. You have set boundaries, so remember to stick to them.
Shutting down email and other lines of communication with a toxic person might also be an option. Do not forget about blocking their number on your phone, including WhatsApp.
6. Disarm Toxic Friends by Cutting Contact with Them
Beware of the danger that your friends might return even after you tell them to leave. You may have to ask them to go several times before they finally comply.
Be firm and persistent; otherwise, the process of separation will become more difficult, as your toxic friends will not treat your words seriously.
Separation is complicated in the case of people you meet regularly. You can change the job, but living next to your kin or having noisy neighbours is a bigger challenge.
Then, start with mental and emotional separation. Create new people coming to your life and a more auspicious place/job.
7. Never Argue with Toxic Friends
It is tempting to fall into the dynamic of toxicity by arguing or fighting; that is precisely what toxic people do.
Be prepared for their violent reaction to your message of ending the relationship with them. It can also happen when they must hear the brutal truth about themselves.
Be assertive and polite, but also firm. Never tolerate any abuse and communicate to your toxic friends that you will not talk to them until you are treated with respect.
8. Disarm Toxic Friends by Writing a Letter to Them
Sometimes your so-called friends can be so aggressive that writing a letter is a better idea. However, you can also use this technique to cleanse your mind and vent your emotions.
Clarify your thoughts and articulate your feelings. You can also refer to the letter later. For example, it is useful when you need to recall why you decided to exclude someone.
It is vital because toxic people often do everything they can to stay in your life. Never forget the way they have treated you.
9. Disarm Toxic Friends by Protecting and Cleansing Your Aura
This is something that traditional psychology ignores when you want to disarm toxic friends. But with your aura, which is weakened by negative energy, it is difficult to set boundaries or cut off. To protect your aura, use the following methods:
- Surrounded by White Divine Light,
- Going to the mirror capsule, bouncing toxic people’s negative energy back,
- Smudging your place with white sage,
- Keeping high vibrations,
- Praying,
- Meditation.
Protection is essential to disarm toxic friends. However, don’t forget about cleansing your aura. Even when you cut off some toxic friends, there is always someone who can try to poison you with negativity. Here is what you can do to cleanse your aura:
- Keep your house tidy – dirt accumulates negative energy.
- Have a bath with Epsom or sea salt
- Light candles to purify your environment
Play some music of special frequencies raising vibrations (e.g. 432 Hz, 528 Hz, or Solfeggio) - Expose your body to the sunlight or moonlight to cleanse your aura.
Protecting your energy belongs to the Align step of the I Matter Method (Awaken · Release · Align): living by what matters to you, including who you let close.
Common questions
How do I know if a friend is toxic?
Notice how you feel after seeing them. If you regularly leave drained, belittled or anxious, and the give-and-take is one-sided, it is worth looking closer.
Should I tell a toxic friend why I am ending the friendship?
You can, but you do not owe a long explanation. A short, calm message is enough.
What if the toxic person is family or a colleague?
When you can’t cut contact, start with emotional distance and firm boundaries, and keep conversations short and in neutral places.
Keep reading: 3 Beliefs That Keep Women in Toxic Relationships · Why Women Stay Around Abusive People · 13 Shifts to Break Free from Toxic Family Beliefs
In A Nutshell
Today, you have learnt 9 ways to help you disarm toxic friends. Try them today and see how your life will change for the better. Good luck. With lots of love and light,
Victoria Herocten
